busy heart

so I know I don't get on here all that often, I guess one reason is because I don't like feeling like something that I am doing doesn't matter. And sometimes I feel like that with this blog. I used to love journaling and would write in my journal at least once a day. And then this whole 'blogging' thing buzzed in my ear and I thought that it would help me get back into journaling. But the thing is, I don't like one sided conversations, and I feel like blogging is a lot like that. When I was journaling, it was for me, and there were no expectations. But with blogging I am putting things on the web that some people read, and there is a slight expectation that people will tell you what they think about what you wrote. I'd rather write letters to friends and get a letter in reply. But lately I have been sad about not getting any letters back. I have been busy as well, and I lose addresses that people give me the second they give them to me (yes Matthew, right after you gave me your address on fb chat a few weeks ago, I closed the window before writing down your address AGAIN). So there are friends that I have not written to in a long time. But there are also reasons for that. I wanted to write to this old really good friend of mine. But he recently got a gf and I thought about it and decided that it COULD be something that would get under her skin. So I decided not to write to him. Even though I have talked to her and I think that she knows that he and I have been only friends (never even a crush) for a long time and that we are like siblings. If one of Jake's old girlfriends started writing to him all the time, I have to admit that it would be hard for me to swallow, even if I knew there was nothing going on. It just seems like something that one shouldn't meddle with. I recently had an old friend tell me that he was in love with me, and this is one reason that I try and be careful about friendships with people who are of the opposite sex. That was bad news and we are no longer friends sadly.
I've been having a lot of bad/weird dreams lately. When this happens I just wish I wouldn't dream at all. Dreams have a way to distract me when I am even awake. I don't like how they seem to have a way to weigh on my heart. I know only God can help me, so I have been trying to turn to him. I am not as diligent as I should be all the time, and that has also been bothering me lately too. I am trying, and so is Jake I think. There is a little more then three months until our three year anniversary! I cannot believe it. I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now! Not that we have been trying all those three years or anything. Its just that when we got married I figured we would have our first child by the time that we had been married for two years. I figured pretty much as soon as he was getting close to being done with school or right after. How time can change your mind. Now it seems like it might be YEARS before we want to have a child. It's all so complicated! I want to be a mom, but I don't think I am ready to be a mom. I know if I got pregnant that God would be there with us through it all. But I don't want to get pregnant right now, or do I? This is what happens when I think about it... I get confused! Hehe... The thing is, we are in debt because of Jake going to school and we are paying over $1,000 a month in just that one area. So we would both like to get that all paid off before we have a child so that we have more (enough) money to buy all the things you need for raising a child comfortably. Also, I have always wanted to go to school, and I am finally enrolled to do so. So having a child right now would make me want to drop out and just be a mom. But school is around 4yrs. And we might be paying off our debt for that long as well. And I am not sure about waiting that long to have our first child. I want to be young, and be there and so on. We will see I guess, its in God's hands and we trust him more then ourselves! Because while I sit here confused and such, he knows the hour I will become a mom, if it is to come at all :) My Popi called me yesterday and wanted to make sure that I am happy with Jake. I thought it was really sweet. I am happy, I am more then happy, I am blessed. Well I seem to be a chatterbox :) And yet I feel like I have not really touched on any of the things that I sat down to write! Oh well, I must get to work now. God bless and take care any friends who read this :) I hope you remember to spend time with God today, it will be good, He promises :)