tough to be tender

ok well as a forewarning this is not going to be a peppy post. Today I woke up feeling absolute CRAP. The reason being? I was really hung over. Sad, but true. I had a pounding headache, I had a cold sweat, I was throwing up a lot. And I couldn't even keep down water. It was all over the place bad. And today was a school day for me. So I had to get up and get going. I even threw up while driving on my way to school (in a bag in my car trashcan thing). I am so embarrassed. I was so mad at myself for letting this all happen that I started crying. Now you might not think it's such a bad thing to drink too much one night and feel it the next day, but for me it was huge. (this will tie in in a sec) I have never (as far as I can remember anyways) ever made New Years Resolutions. I just thought they were stupid. I mean if you want to change something, why wait until the new year to make it a goal? But this year I was faced with an ugly beast and I am going to overcome it. So this year I made 1 new years resolution. And last night I broke it for the first time all year. Pathetic. I didn't even make it one month! Ughh... My new year resolution is to not get drunk anymore. I have a drinking problem. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I do have an issue. When I drink I just don't have portion control. And so I am always drinking too much and paying for it later. I have known and still know a lot of alcoholics. I don't want that for me. I don't want it for my friends and family. I am the only one who can change this for myself. So I made the resolution to not get drunk. But not only that, I made myself some drinking rules. And then I made myself a "reminder" bracelet. Here is a photo of the bracelet...

It starts at the wine glass and then goes to the tan beads. Here is what it stands for 2 tan beads - 2 shots of hard liquor, 2 pink beads - 2 glasses of wine, 2 cream beads - 2 glasses of champagne, 7 green beads with one darker - trying to only drink once a week, 3 grey beads 6 pink beads and then 5 black beads - 365 days, and then just a white bead - for a new beginning. I started off the year wearing this bracelet everyday. But lately I haven't worn it at all. I am going to start wearing it again so that I can have that visual reminder that I need to stick to my goals. Posting this is hard for me, I don't want people to know something so personal for me. It goes deeper then I have let on. But that's too personal for me to talk about now. I guess I am posting this because I need to feel supported. I guess I feel that if more people know, I will be less likely to fail. I will be encouraged to keep on track because I won't want to tell my family and friends that I messed up again. Now just for the record, I have never ever hurt anyone or anything like that from being drunk. But that doesn't mean that its not bad for me to get that way. So with all that said and out, I think I will get going to bed now. I hope all my readers are well, and if you have made new years resolutions I hope they are going well for you! I'm going to work harder to keep with this :) Take Care,
~Nessa