everything rides on hope now

I cannot believe how thankful I am for getting 4 hours of sleep last night. That may seem weird. Here is why...

On Friday I finally went into my hospitals pharmacy to pick up a new prescription of Ambien. I tried 1 night without it and only slept about 2 hours. So I was determined to sort out whatever excuse as to why my prescription wasn't ready after 3 days. Its normally ready in 1 day. So I wasn't prepared for it taking this long, and I wasn't happy about it. The pharmacist told me that there was no prescription even ordered for me. Of course I know I ordered it, but if her computer says otherwise what can I do but start over right? Wrong. I told her politely "ok, I'll just wait for it". But what she meant was that there wouldn't be an order for me at all. This lady was like pulling teeth to get any info. I finally got something about a new law preventing my old dr. from signing off on my current prescriptions, needing to see my new dr. for a new prescription, substance abuse suspicion, a phone number written so messy I cannot make it out, a black phone in the hallway, and the advice center. Seems like I'm getting NOWHERE with this lady so I left the pharmacy and found the information/help desk. I explained to these ladies (who already seem more keen on helping me out! whew!) my situation and that I didn't want to leave the hospital until I resolved the whole thing, so what do I need to do now? They called someone on their phone, I assumed my new dr., but it wasn't her, so I still have no idea who I was talking to... an advice center person maybe? No. I have no idea. Anyways, after I re-explained everything to her I was transferred to another person. Same thing. Ugh. Then what I had gathered was that I needed to talk to my new dr. she was in today, but I couldn't just go up to her office and talk to her without paying for a visit (thanks guys, I feel like you really want to help me when you make me pay you for a whole visit just to ask you a question!), but I could call the advice center and they could send a message to her inbox and blah blah blah. So I went down to the black phone in the hallway and called the advice center. After re-giving one more person all my medical information (really? You need the first day of my last menstrual cycle? Just to send my dr. a message about my sleeping pills?... let me look it up on my calendar...) I finally get a message sent up to my dr. Then this lady tells me that its ok to go up to the area (adult medicine) that she is working in and let her assistant know that I sent a message and would like to wait for a reply. So I made my way over to the next building and up to the second floor. Down several hallways and arrive at the adult medicine receptionist. After explaining everything to her as well and getting a puzzled look she asks me "so are you here for an appointment" Palm to face moment. Why is this so hard people?!? She has me fill out this information sheet and place it in the box on the door. A nurse comes and picks it up after several minutes. Then disappears for several minutes. Then comes into the receptionists area and asks her about it. Then comes out into the lobby and asks me to come back. Then I explain to this nurse what I am trying to accomplish. She then sends me back to the lobby. Then my dr.'s intern comes out and calls my name, and asks me to come back. Then I explain everything to him. Back in the lobby. This goes on for quite some time. I finally get called back by the intern again. He tells me that my dr. didn't want to sign off on my prescription. But that she did anyways, one last time. Then he explains that they are scheduling me for a behavioral something appointment. I still have NO IDEA why or for what this appointment is for. I believe it has something to do with seeing if they think I am abusing my prescription, which they have already told me today that they think I am... or maybe its for something less cynical, like seeing how they can help me with my insomnia. It would be nice to know what its for. He also told me that I needed to go downstairs to the info clinic and pick up some pamphlets on insomnia. And my dr. wants me to keep a sleep journal for the next 2 weeks WITHOUT taking any ambien. Oh, but I'm allowed to take 1 ambien pill during that 2 week period if I need to. What the heck is 1 freaking pill going to do for me in 2 weeks?!? That was one of the most retarded things I heard that he said to me. It was like an insult. Grrrr. It is already in my medical file all the things that I have done in order to resolve this sleeping problem. Getting pills for it was the LAST thing I tried. Seriously. I put off trying them for forever because I was really nervous from stories I had heard and stuff. But then I tried them, and they work for me, and I have no adverse reactions. So what is wrong with these people? I assume they know a bit of what they are talking about, I am not a dr., but still. This seems so redundant. So I got the prescription for 30 more days in the end. But I don't really even understand why she gave me them when she wants me to not take them...? That wasn't smart on her part in my opinion. I went downstairs and looked around and couldn't find anything on insomnia, so I asked the cute little old lady behind the desk about it. She said they don't carry pamphlets on insomnia, but that she would try to find something for me. She came back a few minutes later with two articles printing of the internet. Cute. Then another lady (I am assuming her boss) came out and tried to sell me this "sleep better" package thing they have. I declined. I am only doing this because I was advised to by my dr., I already know all the information that will be in these two articles. Believe me, this is not a new thing to me. I make my way to the pharmacy. I shouldn't have filled that prescription. It is so so so expensive, and I was planning on trying to do the 2 weeks without them anyways. And if I make it through that alive then I won't need the pills. So why did I fill and pay for that stupid prescription?!? I suppose because that was the whole reason I was there that day. It was a long day of running around in the hospital and repeating myself and not getting mad after only 2 hours of sleep. ugh. So now I have a full bottle (30 pills/over $150) of ambien that I'm not supposed to take. Great. Anyways. I have stuck to those stupid rules that insomniacs get when their dr.'s want to "heal" them.

1. only a small amount of caffeine, and only in the morning
2. eat healthy
3. exercise everyday
4. no more than one alcoholic beverage in a day
5. no big meals right before bed, but have a light snack if hungry
6. NO NAPS. no matter how tired you are.
7. go to bed at the same time every night, even on weekends
8. get out of bed at the same time every morning, whether you slept well or not, and even on the weekend
9. keep your room cool, I put a fan on my side of the bed
10. do relaxation exercises if you cannot sleep
11. don't do things in your bed other than sleep and have sex
12. try to not spend extra amounts of time in your room
13. don't go to bed thirsty, but don't drink so much that you have to get up and go to the bathroom
14. go outside in the morning and get some sunshine (really?!)
15. don't smoke
16. don't do thinking type of problems before bed to where you would be kept up thinking

Ok now, I have said before that I have tried it all before. But I am willing to try to kick this without pills. I would rather be able to sleep and not use them. But I want to sleep. That is my end goal, not getting rid of pills. I haven't been addicted to caffeine in a while. I eat pretty well, and I am still working on making that better and better. I get regular exercise. Ok, sometimes I have more than one drink, but not more than two. And I don't drink everyday, or even close to that. The naps thing is hard for me when I am only getting a small amount of sleep! But I am doing it. I have a pretty normal bed and wake up time. But I am making it strict for right now. 10pm bedtime, and 7am wake up time. Until recently (a week ago) my room has been cool, but its getting hot now. Of course I am trying to relax, I am trying to sleep! Until we moved into a room in a house with other people I was really good about not using my bed for anything but sleep and sex. But we have no chairs in our room, just our bed. So lately I have been using it to use the computer or read on. I have been good about not doing that in the past few days. I hate the not spending extra time in the room thing. It's my safe haven. I drink more water than anyone I know. Well until I cut back lately! :P I love getting out of the house in the morning, so I get my morning sunshine. I don't smoke. And I have never had the problem of not sleeping because my thoughts are racing and won't stop.

So lets see how I have been doing...

Thursday night I slept 2 hours into Friday morning

Friday night I slept 33 minutes into Saturday morning

Saturday night I slept about 1 and a 1/2 hours into Sunday morning

Sunday night I slept about 4 hours into Monday morning

Obviously last night was the best so far. But its been hard. I have wanting to take a nap so badly it hurt sometimes. I have not been able to do the simplest things because of the lack of sleep. I feel like I am not human with such a small amount of sleep. This is crazy. But I am so full of hope. I want this to catch, I want this to work. Really badly. I am hoping that it is. As far as my sleep journal, it started on Friday, so the only days that count so far are the nights of 33minutes, 1 1/2 hours, and 4 hours, of sleep. Following this pattern I am progressing. I will hold onto this bit of happiness. I am still incredibly tired today. Its hard to believe that I am still up an running after those nights of practically no sleep! I am proud of myself for not giving in and taking naps. I have not gotten to bed every single night at 10pm, its been the weekend, it was such a bad time to start assigning myself a bedtime :P This is the first day that I felt like I could actually THINK. That's nice. It means that I could sit down and push through a blog post! I also don't ache as much as I have the few mornings before. Yesterday I had such a bad headache I was crying and felt a little nauseated. Gross. Riding passenger in the car was torturous. I felt every little bump! But let's focus on today! I get to go have lunch with Jake, I get a free drink at Peet's, I'm going to Lush, and I get to watch Jake playing softball tonight! It's going to be a great day. I can feel it. I am rich with anticipation! Catch you all later ;D